My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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