I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I intend to get homeless drunk
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i dont even know how to be here
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I'm fucking your sister right now.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Banned from zoo.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.