so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
I have to watch that.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love