Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
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