Texts From Last Night · motherfuckingfox's Favorites

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.

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(315): View more from New York

Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band

(312): View more from Illinois

Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume

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(647): View more from Ontario

so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.

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(510): View more from California

you told grandpa to call you daddy

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(605): View more from South Dakota

captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut

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(+61): View more from Australia

Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.

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(817): View more from Texas

We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back

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(604): View more from British Columbia

ttyl tear gas

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(209): View more from California

I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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(847): View more from Illinois

And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.

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(904): View more from Florida

I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage

(608): View more from Wisconsin

HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.

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(310): View more from California

Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself

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(734): View more from Michigan

we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.

(248): View more from Michigan

...that shit cray.

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(480): View more from Arizona

In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."

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(571): View more from Virginia

Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.

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(618): View more from Illinois

its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high

(954): View more from Florida

Yeah, I don't like babies at all

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(541): View more from Oregon

Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face

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(248): View more from Michigan

Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.

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(770): View more from Georgia

After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.

(910): View more from North Carolina

im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.

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(443): View more from Maryland

My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT

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(425): View more from Washington

UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD

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(916): View more from California

You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".

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(334): View more from Alabama

Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"

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(503): View more from Oregon

I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves

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(404): View more from Georgia

He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.

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(229): View more from Georgia

this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.

(1-229): View more from Georgia

You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.

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(804): View more from Virginia

he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.

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(909): View more from California

Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.

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(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here

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(847): View more from Illinois

He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.

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(813): View more from Florida

I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."

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(540): View more from Virginia

'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"

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(805): View more from California

He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'

(860): View more from Connecticut

where do you find these guys?

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(914): View more from New York

Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Like Teddy Roosevelt

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(618): View more from Illinois

Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.

(309): View more from Illinois

Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?

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(540): View more from Virginia

you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"

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(434): View more from Virginia

Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...

(434): View more from Virginia

I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade

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(805): View more from California

Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.

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(714): View more from California

we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet

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(269): View more from Michigan

Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown

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(410): View more from Maryland

I love how my cats smell like pot.

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(517): View more from Michigan

But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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(281): View more from Texas

Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?

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(702): View more from Nevada

Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.

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(208): View more from Idaho

His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.

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(253): View more from Washington

For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.

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(310): View more from California

Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.

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(760): View more from California

What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo

(619): View more from California

Cremation, why do you ask?

(760): View more from California

I think we have a bit of a problem

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(614): View more from Ohio

If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people

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(620): View more from Kansas

He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!

(763): View more from Minnesota

Yes.

(612): View more from Minnesota

fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria

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(315): View more from New York

he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out

(607): View more from New York

what a beautiful fairy tale

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..

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(718): View more from New York

One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.

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(214): View more from Texas

Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.

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(516): View more from New York

Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.

(1-516): View more from New York

True life - we need to smoke together more often

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.

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(585): View more from New York

So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.

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(360): View more from Washington

i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man

(206): View more from Washington

?

(360): View more from Washington

he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!

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(313): View more from Michigan

The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.

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(434): View more from Virginia

i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.

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(626): View more from California

i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.

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(740): View more from Ohio

My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome

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(541): View more from Oregon

No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car

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(613): View more from Ontario

I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg

(1-613): View more from Ontario

so what did you do?

(613): View more from Ontario

I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!

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(281): View more from Texas

I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.

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(650): View more from California

Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

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(636): View more from Missouri

Ridin mah bike see you on the moon

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(949): View more from California

I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls

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(903): View more from Texas

I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache

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(785): View more from Kansas

Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.

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(310): View more from California

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

you didn't get her number why?

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??

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