I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
ttyl tear gas
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I love how my cats smell like pot.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??