LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!