Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.