When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out