My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
