Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
