We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis