Texts From Last Night

unclefrankie157's Favorites Texts:

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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.

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  (604): I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you. http://tfl.nu/twb2
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.

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  (414): no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good. http://tfl.nu/zhbu
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  (585): View more from New York

  she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over

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  (585): she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over http://tfl.nu/tk3t
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead

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  (304): Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead http://tfl.nu/8a8b
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  It's not kidnapping if it's romantic

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  (912): It's not kidnapping if it's romantic http://tfl.nu/j4mo
  Replies (17) Good night (6087) Bad night (1476) Order T-Shirt
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  (830): View more from Texas

  I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter

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  (830): I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter http://tfl.nu/xpn7
  Replies (33) Good night (6090) Bad night (1539)
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.

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  (801): He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face. http://tfl.nu/vz1o
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet

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  (847): I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet http://tfl.nu/ttdp
  Replies (41) Good night (5125) Bad night (1245) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  Please tell me how you discovered this.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  I was looking in the mirror snooping around

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  (440): I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora (1-440): Please tell me how you discovered this. (440): I was looking in the mirror snooping around<p></p> http://tfl.nu/7aua
  Replies (14) Good night (1187) Bad night (364)
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.

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  (416): Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck. http://tfl.nu/lba2
  Replies (16) Good night (6930) Bad night (850) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party

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  (978): i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party http://tfl.nu/osnp
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  (904): View more from Florida

  bring the vodka.

  (1-904): View more from Florida

  i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

  (904): View more from Florida

  we are.

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  (904): bring the vodka. (1-904): i thought we were going to mcdonalds..? (904): we are. http://tfl.nu/1144
  Replies (32) Good night (9168) Bad night (771)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest

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  (609): I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest http://tfl.nu/t023
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"

  (678): View more from Georgia

  So... What happend then?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.

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  (404): She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating" (678): So... What happend then? (404): We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM. http://tfl.nu/3t62
  Replies (49) Good night (10749) Bad night (2189)
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Let's make jello shots for tomorrow

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  What's going on tomorrow?

  (913): View more from Kansas

  Nothing, it's Wednesday

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  (913): Let's make jello shots for tomorrow (1-913): What's going on tomorrow? (913): Nothing, it's Wednesday http://tfl.nu/pnp1
  Replies (29) Good night (10282) Bad night (682)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.

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  (970): Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today. http://tfl.nu/sid7
  Replies (12) Good night (6705) Bad night (1098) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.

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  (617): i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it. http://tfl.nu/hw4z
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?

  (1-330): View more from Ohio

  i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok

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  (330): yah i'm on my way- is everything ok? (1-330) i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok http://tfl.nu/s4ag
  Replies (35) Good night (798) Bad night (6948)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation

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  (443): I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation http://tfl.nu/w8jm
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings

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  (724): dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings http://tfl.nu/fi5x
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  (360): View more from Washington

  It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.

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  (360): It feels like Jesse James cheated on America. http://tfl.nu/twcl
  Replies (22) Good night (3876) Bad night (1072) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.

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  (619): after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible. http://tfl.nu/hzvs
  Replies (18) Good night (6553) Bad night (476) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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  (770): just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes. http://tfl.nu/9iko
  Replies (117) Good night (25289) Bad night (3897) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"

  (905): View more from Ontario

  And sadly I did.

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  (905): They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?" (905): And sadly I did. http://tfl.nu/9e0f
  Replies (25) Good night (1852) Bad night (3785)
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like

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  (480): She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like http://tfl.nu/mlp3
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.

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  (703): We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along. http://tfl.nu/ex0g
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.

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  (214): I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now. http://tfl.nu/38zc
  Replies (18) Good night (6559) Bad night (1104) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.

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  (410): She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else. http://tfl.nu/yur0
  Replies (46) Good night (12420) Bad night (628) Order T-Shirt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.

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  (859): Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out. http://tfl.nu/0ttb
  Replies (23) Good night (5774) Bad night (1250) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.

  (716): View more from New York

  gotta love spring break

  (845): View more from New York

  gotta love slutty girls from the south

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  (845): Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy. (716): gotta love spring break (845): gotta love slutty girls from the south http://tfl.nu/ze0i
  Replies (24) Good night (4768) Bad night (760)
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  (760): View more from California

  You did not just play the dead husband card again.

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  (760): You did not just play the dead husband card again. http://tfl.nu/xl50
  Replies (20) Good night (893) Bad night (5154) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"

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  (301): the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst" http://tfl.nu/u5av
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.

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  (513): They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is. http://tfl.nu/k34n
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death

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  (206): I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death http://tfl.nu/irfc
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating

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  (203): listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating http://tfl.nu/olru
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  He was trying to put me in handcuffs.

  (1-662): View more from Mississippi

  You have my attention.

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  (662): I scissor kicked a one legged man last night. (662): He was trying to put me in handcuffs. (1-662): You have my attention. http://tfl.nu/abr0
  Replies (23) Good night (1570) Bad night (279)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Let's get naked and see who's stronger.

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  (360): Let's get naked and see who's stronger. http://tfl.nu/4286
  Replies (8) Good night (1452) Bad night (273) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

  (949): View more from California

  I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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  (714): I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it? (949): I gave it to your brother to give to you. http://tfl.nu/fwxt
  Replies (55) Good night (12901) Bad night (4751)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.

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  (203): Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin? (1-203): I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight. http://tfl.nu/pi9j
  Replies (18) Good night (1287) Bad night (5961) Order T-Shirt
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.

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  (931): Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex. http://tfl.nu/p49h
  Replies (46) Good night (13655) Bad night (1700) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".

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  (401): My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets". http://tfl.nu/hqdk
  Replies (15) Good night (8209) Bad night (849) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.

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  (760): Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint. http://tfl.nu/71cw
  Replies (32) Good night (6086) Bad night (434) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  your sister was..

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  (603): she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin (262): your sister was.. http://tfl.nu/c3sq
  Replies (18) Good night (4786) Bad night (1115)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.

  (305): View more from Florida

  Did you save them?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Who?

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  (404): Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning. (305): Did you save them? (404): Who? http://tfl.nu/1xdf
  Replies (28) Good night (5179) Bad night (904)
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks

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  (704): you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks http://tfl.nu/c3vj
  Replies (49) Good night (4107) Bad night (928) Order T-Shirt
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  (650): View more from California

  oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'

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  (650): oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole' http://tfl.nu/gd5q
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  (914): View more from New York

  i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick

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  (914): i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick http://tfl.nu/et20
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  (631): View more from New York

  what you doin?

  (516): View more from New York

  I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?

  (631): View more from New York

  reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life

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  (631): what you doin? (516): I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you? (631): reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life http://tfl.nu/6c83
  Replies (20) Good night (5188) Bad night (1218)
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  (646): View more from New York

  i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation

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  (646): i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation http://tfl.nu/0879
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?

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  (973): who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture? http://tfl.nu/e2ho
  Replies (38) Good night (929) Bad night (3271) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.

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  (781): I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece. http://tfl.nu/l6if
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  (951): View more from California

  So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.

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  (951): So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked. http://tfl.nu/qprr
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.

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  (847): she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick. http://tfl.nu/abnm
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.

  (647): View more from Ontario

  It's sore actually

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  (289): I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt. (647): It's sore actually http://tfl.nu/hwsg
  Replies (38) Good night (3886) Bad night (640)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis

  (757): View more from Virginia

  your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.

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  (443): Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis (757): your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though. http://tfl.nu/xhh4
  Replies (46) Good night (5180) Bad night (1725)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night

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  (603): i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening (508): yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night http://tfl.nu/fae5
  Replies (45) Good night (5151) Bad night (379)
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.

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  (816): He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine. http://tfl.nu/bj2r
  Replies (103) Good night (500) Bad night (8584) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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  (440): I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee (1-440): please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation http://tfl.nu/gydk
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting

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  (913): You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting http://tfl.nu/1yn1
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?

  (1-210): View more from Texas

  I'll teach you how to wipe better

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  (210): Dude why does my asshole itch so bad? (1-210): I'll teach you how to wipe better http://tfl.nu/7pt4
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  You love me.

  (785): View more from Kansas

  That's because, tragically, I adore whores.

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  (316): You love me. (785): That's because, tragically, I adore whores. http://tfl.nu/7eph
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.

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  (937): Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls. http://tfl.nu/2r1d
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"

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  (978): please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker" http://tfl.nu/kgaf
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.

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  (417): My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah. http://tfl.nu/uiae
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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  (413): i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way" http://tfl.nu/86gt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  How am I a tease?

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.

  (813): View more from Florida

  ONLY PART OF IT.

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  (813): How am I a tease? (1-813): Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away. (813): ONLY PART OF IT. http://tfl.nu/b7xa
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.

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  (206): I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship. http://tfl.nu/9mk5
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!

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  (609): Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?! (267): This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room.. (609): AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?! http://tfl.nu/dtle
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."

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  (403): The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention." http://tfl.nu/toh6
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.

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  (847): Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out. http://tfl.nu/8l4x
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad

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  (970): Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad http://tfl.nu/i5ms
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.

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  (308): I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose. http://tfl.nu/x4bb
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.

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  (970): Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out. http://tfl.nu/rgfe
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.

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  (203): We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved. http://tfl.nu/1hyb
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  (845): View more from New York

  Stop trying to talk to my friends!!

  (1-845): View more from New York

  then get some ugly ones...

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  (845): Stop trying to talk to my friends!! (1-845): then get some ugly ones... http://tfl.nu/5xvc
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  (619): View more from California

  Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.

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  (619): Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular. http://tfl.nu/9sri
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?

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  (815): should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here? http://tfl.nu/0w0h
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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  (704): she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out" http://tfl.nu/fktd
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury

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  (248): he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury http://tfl.nu/93f6
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.

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  (608): I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name. http://tfl.nu/o57y
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?

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  (406): Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack... (303): Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c? http://tfl.nu/og73
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead

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  (336): I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead http://tfl.nu/oo5k
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  eww mummy girl is here...

  (931): View more from Tennessee

  what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.

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  (708): eww mummy girl is here... (931): what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals. http://tfl.nu/7ng0
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.

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  (320): I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it. http://tfl.nu/sdid
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.

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  (303): It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac. http://tfl.nu/tpbw
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.

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  (443): My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve. http://tfl.nu/bc9v
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  (516): View more from New York

  i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.

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  (516): i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok. http://tfl.nu/l3f8
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  (845): View more from New York

  I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk

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  (845): I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk http://tfl.nu/2s8p
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at

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  (651): I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at http://tfl.nu/8c2c
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  (818): View more from California

  Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.

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  (818): Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works. http://tfl.nu/ca8d
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good

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  (609): just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good http://tfl.nu/q5pn
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

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  (405): New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top http://tfl.nu/zi79
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line

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  (201): i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line http://tfl.nu/rmxl
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  (714): View more from California

  Who was that guy you went home with?

  (1-714): View more from California

  Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.

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  (714): Who was that guy you went home with? (1-714): Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now. http://tfl.nu/q2tl
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.

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  (208): I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked. http://tfl.nu/g0yc
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.

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  (614): If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold. http://tfl.nu/55cb
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"

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  (480): I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues" http://tfl.nu/4mvg
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?

  (720): View more from Colorado

  Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.

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  (303): You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher? (720): Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced. http://tfl.nu/qahj
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with

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  (919): great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with http://tfl.nu/d2kg
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.

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  (520): I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs. http://tfl.nu/cv5b
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".

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  (803): I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today". http://tfl.nu/w2r4
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..

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  (609): She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her.. http://tfl.nu/k827
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.

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  (630): I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore. http://tfl.nu/o0ab
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"

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  (407): I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays" http://tfl.nu/5s21
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  (281): View more from Texas

  After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.

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  (281): After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses. http://tfl.nu/xdpj
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?

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  (330): Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket? http://tfl.nu/lptb
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.

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  (412): I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra. http://tfl.nu/7xhn
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.

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  (231): A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people. http://tfl.nu/k0xd
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.

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  (978): They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people. http://tfl.nu/oty8
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas

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  (814): he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas http://tfl.nu/93o8
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.

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  (503): today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola. http://tfl.nu/yi5l
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining

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  (304): i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining http://tfl.nu/3fon
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.

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  (314): You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound. http://tfl.nu/fc6l
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