Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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