I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
It's a yes or no question.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave