She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
There's always time for handjobs
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".