Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
