Texts From Last Night

labellabam's Favorites Texts:

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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.

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  (337): Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have. http://tfl.nu/wctv
  Replies (30) Good night (1236) Bad night (5603)
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?

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  (575): is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song? http://tfl.nu/y2bo
  Replies (62) Good night (3479) Bad night (863) Order T-Shirt
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.

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  (902): Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it. http://tfl.nu/c874
  Replies (12) Good night (6644) Bad night (753) Order T-Shirt
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.

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  (318): I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry. http://tfl.nu/98cc
  Replies (9) Good night (5914) Bad night (1142) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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  (703): How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist http://tfl.nu/hzre
  Replies (50) Good night (23039) Bad night (1294) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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  (905): I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now. http://tfl.nu/wxpj
  Replies (33) Good night (14553) Bad night (968) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.

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  (513): Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March. http://tfl.nu/hwnt
  Replies (13) Good night (3538) Bad night (649) Order T-Shirt
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  (212): View more from New York

  This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.

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  (212): This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING. http://tfl.nu/5495
  Replies (2) Good night (676) Bad night (829)
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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  (727): I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there? http://tfl.nu/2pix
  Replies (101) Good night (36401) Bad night (1391)
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

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  (641): Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that. http://tfl.nu/2jzp
  Replies (27) Good night (8342) Bad night (2948) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?

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  (405): also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format? http://tfl.nu/009x
  Replies (27) Good night (6060) Bad night (1131) Order T-Shirt
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?

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  (316): i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight? http://tfl.nu/82sl
  Replies (73) Good night (9375) Bad night (1905) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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  (704): she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out" http://tfl.nu/fktd
  Replies (33) Good night (12540) Bad night (997) Order T-Shirt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.

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  (843): if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume. http://tfl.nu/blds
  Replies (47) Good night (3471) Bad night (520) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...

  (480): View more from Arizona

  exactly, that's why i want something interesting

  (512): View more from Texas

  slutty neuroscientist?

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  (512): halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc... (480): exactly, that's why i want something interesting (512): slutty neuroscientist? http://tfl.nu/zg01
  Replies (34) Good night (4856) Bad night (388)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.

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  (919): The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day. http://tfl.nu/2twt
  Replies (37) Good night (16691) Bad night (1230) Order T-Shirt
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty

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  (865): she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty http://tfl.nu/c438
  Replies (22) Good night (5602) Bad night (548) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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  (404): i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ". http://tfl.nu/tf5y
  Replies (385) Good night (39829) Bad night (3547)
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA

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  (250): I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA http://tfl.nu/zqva
  Replies (38) Good night (5912) Bad night (521) Order T-Shirt
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  (915): View more from Texas

  so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me

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  (915): so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on (1-915): who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me http://tfl.nu/h8za
  Replies (49) Good night (590) Bad night (14437)
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  (516): View more from New York

  Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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  (516): Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven. http://tfl.nu/hg3t
  Replies (280) Good night (52341) Bad night (3941) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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  (630): all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed http://tfl.nu/xhsk
  Replies (28) Good night (20167) Bad night (803) Order T-Shirt
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.

  (810): View more from Michigan

  I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.

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  (810): That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head. (810): I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again. http://tfl.nu/3d2e
  Replies (17) Good night (2793) Bad night (559)
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip

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  (256): I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip http://tfl.nu/ulnl
  Replies (26) Good night (860) Bad night (5544) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back

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  (973): Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back http://tfl.nu/zjkd
  Replies (22) Good night (6978) Bad night (422) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.

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  (301): She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle. http://tfl.nu/0dzx
  Replies (32) Good night (545) Bad night (3907)
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  (813): View more from Florida

  there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.

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  (813): there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it. http://tfl.nu/a1l8
  Replies (7) Good night (4518) Bad night (870) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead

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  (513): I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead http://tfl.nu/yu41
  Replies (17) Good night (5714) Bad night (756)
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"

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  (208): Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores" http://tfl.nu/e2re
  Replies (37) Good night (672) Bad night (8363) Order T-Shirt
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  (607): View more from New York

  Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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  (607): Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day. http://tfl.nu/b0xj
  Replies (29) Good night (32211) Bad night (840) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town

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  (215): you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town http://tfl.nu/6oiy
  Replies (13) Good night (3809) Bad night (411) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night

  (404): View more from Georgia

  i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator

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  (404): this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night (404): i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator http://tfl.nu/lkbi
  Replies (20) Good night (626) Bad night (5349)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls

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  (203): Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls http://tfl.nu/wu3r
  Replies (62) Good night (3144) Bad night (875) Order T-Shirt
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.

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  (865): he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers. http://tfl.nu/fhwb
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.

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  (715): I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win. http://tfl.nu/jyaa
  Replies (64) Good night (16510) Bad night (1184) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear

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  (610): connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear http://tfl.nu/s27e
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.

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  (603): Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror. http://tfl.nu/is4s
  Replies (24) Good night (7964) Bad night (995) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.

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  (937): you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with. http://tfl.nu/ct1p
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.

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  (618): Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it. http://tfl.nu/arfl
  Replies (73) Good night (4620) Bad night (595) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.

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  (832): Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night. http://tfl.nu/2nh3
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete

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  (717): just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete http://tfl.nu/yzxp
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...

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  (828): Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was... http://tfl.nu/29hb
  Replies (31) Good night (3608) Bad night (764) Order T-Shirt
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  (239): View more from Florida

  I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking

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  (239): I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking http://tfl.nu/yxe4
  Replies (60) Good night (5516) Bad night (573)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day

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  (917): Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day http://tfl.nu/w2yk
  Replies (29) Good night (4620) Bad night (556)
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  (305): View more from Florida

  just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins

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  (305): just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins http://tfl.nu/ypgx
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian

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  (613): My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian http://tfl.nu/6wog
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  (718): View more from New York

  Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad

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  (718): Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad http://tfl.nu/ofwb
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.

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  (541): Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh. http://tfl.nu/1se4
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.

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  (320): I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me. http://tfl.nu/008l
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

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  (248): Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win. http://tfl.nu/almv
  Replies (47) Good night (20972) Bad night (618)
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.

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  (843): i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job. http://tfl.nu/jeil
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.

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  (514): Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta. http://tfl.nu/sa2y
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it

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  (412): you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it http://tfl.nu/8zt4
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.

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  (313): Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good. http://tfl.nu/3acn
  Replies (19) Good night (1092) Bad night (5921) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring

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  (207): I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring http://tfl.nu/1cyo
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.

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  (651): how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night. http://tfl.nu/2trw
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  (239): View more from Florida

  My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.

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  (239): My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God. http://tfl.nu/tpwi
  Replies (13) Good night (1129) Bad night (4114) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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  (816): I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since. http://tfl.nu/s9zv
  Replies (61) Good night (17823) Bad night (959) Order T-Shirt
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  (585): View more from New York

  bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning

  (1-585): View more from New York

  oh god.. jail?

  (585): View more from New York

  better, on the catwalk of the auditorium

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  (585): bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning (1-585): oh god.. jail? (585): better, on the catwalk of the auditorium http://tfl.nu/ulvj
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  (407): View more from Florida

  sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.

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  (407): sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch. http://tfl.nu/v1iz
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face

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  (860): Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face http://tfl.nu/cojx
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked

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  (770): I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked http://tfl.nu/iw27
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.

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  (816): believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward. http://tfl.nu/i2tt
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  (716): View more from New York

  An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready

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  (716): An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready http://tfl.nu/od5a
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé

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  (847): you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé http://tfl.nu/voe0
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'

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  (219): she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs' http://tfl.nu/aa98
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

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  (412): How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body? (1-412): Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit http://tfl.nu/2oue
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  (310): View more from California

  and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity

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  (310): and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity http://tfl.nu/4zrt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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  (970): Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker" http://tfl.nu/30jj
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  (925): View more from California

  So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.

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  (925): So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid. http://tfl.nu/x26d
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.

  (571): View more from Virginia

  was that a mass text??

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  (804): Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing. (571): was that a mass text?? http://tfl.nu/0791
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  (253): View more from Washington

  so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning

  (1-253): View more from Washington

  because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'

  (253): View more from Washington

  no more ever clear

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  (253): so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning (1-253): because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha' (253): no more ever clear http://tfl.nu/f9lp
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.

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  (301): im trying to catch a child molester. call you later. http://tfl.nu/dlxg
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night

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  (864): you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night http://tfl.nu/m2bf
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.

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  (416): Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard. http://tfl.nu/iuc0
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five

  (1-262): View more from Wisconsin

  bitch

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  (262): dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five (1-262): bitch http://tfl.nu/m1tn
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

  (205): View more from Alabama

  This explains so much.

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  (205): Why are my keys in the refrigerator? (1-205): You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you. (205): This explains so much. http://tfl.nu/ouwy
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  (530): View more from California

  I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.

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  (530): I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight. http://tfl.nu/7iib
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.

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  (859): you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'. http://tfl.nu/aatj
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  (845): View more from New York

  We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?

  (1-845): View more from New York

  Who won mens moguls?

  (845): View more from New York

  That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.

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  (845): We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously? (1-845): Who won mens moguls? (845): That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude. http://tfl.nu/8mik
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.

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  (502): I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away. http://tfl.nu/vvbq
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.

  (917): View more from New York City

  dollar well spent

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  (802): last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears. (917): dollar well spent http://tfl.nu/wmsi
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.

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  (630): Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species. http://tfl.nu/4i2r
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?

  (815): View more from Illinois

  that's gum

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  (630): is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years? (815): that's gum http://tfl.nu/8le7
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  (315): View more from New York

  you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.

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  (315): you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva. http://tfl.nu/9emb
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.

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  (647): a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much. http://tfl.nu/8vwu
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.

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  (210): I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy. http://tfl.nu/fwj0
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  (408): View more from California

  every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.

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  (408): every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better. http://tfl.nu/nucz
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.

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  (505): I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them. http://tfl.nu/0g2b
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.

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  (804): You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world. http://tfl.nu/i0as
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?

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  (757): I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you? http://tfl.nu/hgrf
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.

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  (775): somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car. http://tfl.nu/3f74
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  (516): View more from New York

  so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs

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  (516): so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs http://tfl.nu/qh32
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  (714): View more from California

  I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

  (949): View more from California

  I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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  (714): I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it? (949): I gave it to your brother to give to you. http://tfl.nu/fwxt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.

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  (203): The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar. http://tfl.nu/eecr
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  He has such a weird drunk-voice.

  (1-417): View more from Missouri

  dude, he's deaf.

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  (417): He has such a weird drunk-voice. (1-417): dude, he's deaf. http://tfl.nu/4u2p
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling

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  (724): I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo. (724): That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling http://tfl.nu/z57r
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early

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  (412): For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early http://tfl.nu/4ftf
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.

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  (918): The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God. http://tfl.nu/l6po
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  (831): View more from California

  Hey, what are you up to?

  (802): View more from Vermont

  Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.

  (802): View more from Vermont

  Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.

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  (831): Hey, what are you up to? (802): Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds. (802): Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard. http://tfl.nu/ope5
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9

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  (732): its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9 http://tfl.nu/78ka
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.

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  (404): standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture. http://tfl.nu/15y7
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.

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  (703): Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon. http://tfl.nu/bjrm
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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  (931): my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling. http://tfl.nu/ym3n
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?

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  (906): i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius? http://tfl.nu/ei5s
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.

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  (705): Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world. http://tfl.nu/0fm4
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  Sacagawea was the original milf.

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  (952): Sacagawea was the original milf. http://tfl.nu/8vpz
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.

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  (505): He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself. http://tfl.nu/msa0
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?

  (1-978): View more from Massachusetts

  well apparently not.

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  (978): saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in? (1-978): well apparently not. http://tfl.nu/kqax
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)

  (1-407): View more from Florida

  Mom wtf!?

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  (407): Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :) (1-407): Mom wtf!? http://tfl.nu/scw1
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  sarcasm needs its own font

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  (440): sarcasm needs its own font http://tfl.nu/5kc7
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"

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  (816): She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore" http://tfl.nu/r6vm
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  (530): View more from California

  He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.

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  (530): He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me. http://tfl.nu/h0f1
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