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Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
sarcasm needs its own font
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
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