Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
