she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
