i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed