I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
I'm just looking out for you.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.