I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
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he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.