He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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