I would do horrible things to your vagina.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I've blown a few things in my day
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Ketchup is God's man juice
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
My throat feels like a candle.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.