You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"