There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
