He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just found a bag of teeth...
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.