That reminds me...we need to get swords
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
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Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
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I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top