there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Slut skills are useful in every country.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.