I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
