I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You had me at "let me see your balls"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"