someone needs to name a hurricane after you
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I fill condoms, not promises.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Use "feeling words"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...