Texts From Last Night

cairene's Favorites Texts:

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  (949): View more from California

  YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!

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  (949): YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER! http://tfl.nu/b6lu
  Replies (3) Good night (383) Bad night (262) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.

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  (513): Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth. http://tfl.nu/s6hy
  Replies (5) Good night (1447) Bad night (176) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.

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  (615): Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face. http://tfl.nu/mm6o
  Replies (5) Good night (894) Bad night (148) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

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  (201): Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell http://tfl.nu/payj
  Replies (4) Good night (2071) Bad night (180) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"

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  (617): So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?" http://tfl.nu/5su3
  Replies (3) Good night (1922) Bad night (193) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.

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  (954): My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here. http://tfl.nu/r8im
  Replies (0) Good night (301) Bad night (161) Order T-Shirt
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I fill condoms, not promises.

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  (812): I fill condoms, not promises. http://tfl.nu/fzpc
  Replies (4) Good night (1139) Bad night (196) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
  Replies (131) Good night (60837) Bad night (1889) Order T-Shirt
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too

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  (601): I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too http://tfl.nu/lcoq
  Replies (2) Good night (630) Bad night (241)
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.

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  (860): he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE. http://tfl.nu/wid5
  Replies (5) Good night (758) Bad night (153) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship

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  (508): I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship http://tfl.nu/b7qc
  Replies (4) Good night (593) Bad night (163) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.

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  (206): As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light. http://tfl.nu/6mx3
  Replies (10) Good night (2272) Bad night (180) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."

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  (570): I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas." http://tfl.nu/unt9
  Replies (5) Good night (835) Bad night (302) Order T-Shirt
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised

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  (719): I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised http://tfl.nu/0hc3
  Replies (2) Good night (568) Bad night (156) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.

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  (202): She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family. http://tfl.nu/nmso
  Replies (4) Good night (706) Bad night (394) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.

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  (614): Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission. http://tfl.nu/x97b
  Replies (2) Good night (351) Bad night (426) Order T-Shirt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time

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  (859): Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time http://tfl.nu/a2fb
  Replies (5) Good night (612) Bad night (190) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts

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  (917): My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts http://tfl.nu/5sws
  Replies (3) Good night (664) Bad night (164) Order T-Shirt
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  (863): View more from Florida

  If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.

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  (863): If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis. http://tfl.nu/mwio
  Replies (5) Good night (660) Bad night (144) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative

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  (610): Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative http://tfl.nu/dzmt
  Replies (3) Good night (423) Bad night (315) Order T-Shirt
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Would you like season tickets to my vagina?

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  (502): Would you like season tickets to my vagina? http://tfl.nu/fkgh
  Replies (12) Good night (1429) Bad night (149) Order T-Shirt
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  (408): View more from California

  Your text makes more sense read in reverse.

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  (408): Your text makes more sense read in reverse. http://tfl.nu/i737
  Replies (4) Good night (480) Bad night (119) Order T-Shirt
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.

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  (270): I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once. http://tfl.nu/lr7p
  Replies (6) Good night (551) Bad night (189) Order T-Shirt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.

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  (307): I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard. http://tfl.nu/j9hb
  Replies (15) Good night (841) Bad night (323) Order T-Shirt
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella

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  (901): The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella http://tfl.nu/24ug
  Replies (4) Good night (935) Bad night (300)
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  (550): View more from

  I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.

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  (550): I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone. http://tfl.nu/3axh
  Replies (4) Good night (803) Bad night (144) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?

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  (803): Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick? http://tfl.nu/r3gk
  Replies (4) Good night (1259) Bad night (167) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.

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  (614): Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich. http://tfl.nu/2wq9
  Replies (7) Good night (596) Bad night (201) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Happy birthday, you long dick monster

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  (541): Happy birthday, you long dick monster http://tfl.nu/0cme
  Replies (9) Good night (1176) Bad night (177) Order T-Shirt
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?

  (1-810): View more from Michigan

  A safari of penis I hurt to the core

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  (810): Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas? (1-810): A safari of penis I hurt to the core http://tfl.nu/q0bf
  Replies (5) Good night (729) Bad night (349) Order T-Shirt
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.

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  (520): Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds. http://tfl.nu/3cpt
  Replies (6) Good night (1076) Bad night (216) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.

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  (615): Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob. http://tfl.nu/pm20
  Replies (16) Good night (1773) Bad night (217) Order T-Shirt
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house

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  (812): Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house http://tfl.nu/563g
  Replies (2) Good night (856) Bad night (257) Order T-Shirt
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.

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  (864): I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something. http://tfl.nu/s8xu
  Replies (6) Good night (657) Bad night (185) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Use "feeling words"

  (1-317): View more from Indiana

  Yay

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  (317): Use "feeling words" (1-317): Yay http://tfl.nu/y3ss
  Replies (2) Good night (496) Bad night (166) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.

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  (517): I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT. http://tfl.nu/j08n
  Replies (4) Good night (1090) Bad night (200) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.

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  (612): It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on. http://tfl.nu/eatv
  Replies (4) Good night (467) Bad night (211) Order T-Shirt
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.

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  (561): I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face. http://tfl.nu/v359
  Replies (6) Good night (260) Bad night (492) Order T-Shirt
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  (951): View more from California

  Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.

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  (951): Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water. http://tfl.nu/p40v
  Replies (5) Good night (768) Bad night (182) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.

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  (206): In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises. http://tfl.nu/t2bs
  Replies (4) Good night (937) Bad night (171) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy

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  (615): Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy http://tfl.nu/f6ow
  Replies (5) Good night (549) Bad night (215) Order T-Shirt
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us

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  (912): We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us http://tfl.nu/f6nz
  Replies (3) Good night (848) Bad night (148) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you

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  (517): To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you http://tfl.nu/rkbn
  Replies (11) Good night (1823) Bad night (271) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk

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  (760): I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk http://tfl.nu/6zmb
  Replies (4) Good night (292) Bad night (770) Order T-Shirt
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"

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  (780): I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future" http://tfl.nu/8p29
  Replies (7) Good night (842) Bad night (189) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.

  (410): View more from Maryland

  By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!

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  (410): Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey. (410): By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey! http://tfl.nu/tmhf
  Replies (15) Good night (2226) Bad night (619)
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.

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  (316): She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone. http://tfl.nu/tcs7
  Replies (13) Good night (557) Bad night (1714) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.

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  (415): I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided. http://tfl.nu/izkw
  Replies (4) Good night (969) Bad night (183)
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN

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  (615): DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN http://tfl.nu/6g6b
  Replies (1) Good night (518) Bad night (435) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."

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  (512): You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid." http://tfl.nu/wv53
  Replies (4) Good night (1598) Bad night (280)
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  (607): View more from New York

  The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"

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  (607): The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??" http://tfl.nu/clw8
  Replies (4) Good night (1243) Bad night (213) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play

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  (315): dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play http://tfl.nu/32t6
  Replies (6) Good night (1503) Bad night (270) Order T-Shirt
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.

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  (902): Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends. http://tfl.nu/0yi1
  Replies (11) Good night (2034) Bad night (222) Order T-Shirt
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.

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  (260): He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him. http://tfl.nu/2xzg
  Replies (5) Good night (1312) Bad night (457) Order T-Shirt
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  (212): View more from New York

  I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"

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  (212): I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy" http://tfl.nu/3mee
  Replies (2) Good night (1064) Bad night (198) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"

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  (404): If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy" http://tfl.nu/w6q2
  Replies (3) Good night (1215) Bad night (279) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"

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  (717): As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!" http://tfl.nu/v5cm
  Replies (2) Good night (1096) Bad night (232) Order T-Shirt
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out

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  (828): Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out http://tfl.nu/cm81
  Replies (0) Good night (831) Bad night (216) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.

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  (315): My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off. http://tfl.nu/m48w
  Replies (7) Good night (2398) Bad night (382) Order T-Shirt
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  (646): View more from New York

  I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.

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  (646): I bet his dick wears a tuxedo. http://tfl.nu/b7e4
  Replies (6) Good night (887) Bad night (227) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.

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  (612): Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON. http://tfl.nu/8yy5
  Replies (6) Good night (823) Bad night (241) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.

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  (910): Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit. http://tfl.nu/w0fz
  Replies (7) Good night (1580) Bad night (254) Order T-Shirt
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.

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  (321): Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments. http://tfl.nu/oyly
  Replies (2) Good night (787) Bad night (193) Order T-Shirt
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  (424): View more from California

  I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.

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  (424): I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster. (479): This lesson is brought you by a psychology class. http://tfl.nu/4ga3
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.

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  (215): I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that. http://tfl.nu/2qs0
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.

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  (330): Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing. http://tfl.nu/k9wn
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  (209): View more from California

  Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel

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  (209): Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel http://tfl.nu/1v3g
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."

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  (256): I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now." http://tfl.nu/g734
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  (813): View more from Florida

  It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.

  (315): View more from New York

  That's the best compliment I have ever received.

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  (813): It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina. (315): That's the best compliment I have ever received. http://tfl.nu/0q70
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.

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  (501): My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone. http://tfl.nu/7x1i
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"

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  (319): That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion" http://tfl.nu/w9if
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  (518): View more from New York

  woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so

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  (518): woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so http://tfl.nu/1jbm
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  (917): View more from New York City

  she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"

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  (917): she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall" http://tfl.nu/c8ce
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing

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  (617): Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing http://tfl.nu/5l2y
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier

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  (419): my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier http://tfl.nu/3vbg
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  (415): View more from California

  The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.

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  (415): The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican. http://tfl.nu/ke0b
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...

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  (412): You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex... http://tfl.nu/wlmu
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?

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  (412): Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet? http://tfl.nu/5htr
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.

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  (215): There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her. http://tfl.nu/lhzd
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  (958): View more from

  her vagina just converted me to Judaism.

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  (958): her vagina just converted me to Judaism. http://tfl.nu/z5ti
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now

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  (219): I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now http://tfl.nu/0dlv
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?

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  (301): That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit? http://tfl.nu/b6j9
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  (206): View more from Washington

  She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me

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  (206): She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me http://tfl.nu/zp1n
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  wow. THAT good huh

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  (778): he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year (604): wow. THAT good huh http://tfl.nu/7t5m
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.

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  (316): You're always so generous when it comes to your dick. http://tfl.nu/6xho
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.

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  (214): I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS. http://tfl.nu/qjb8
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Congratulations on your lack of fetus.

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  (630): Congratulations on your lack of fetus. http://tfl.nu/ujd7
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.

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  (812): I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together. http://tfl.nu/6uns
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  (530): View more from California

  Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.

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  (530): Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life. http://tfl.nu/z2vn
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.

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  (+44): my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable. http://tfl.nu/xnmz
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.

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  (413): She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list. http://tfl.nu/zy3q
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.

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  (508): I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat. http://tfl.nu/wq7n
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.

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  (610): I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents. http://tfl.nu/hwmn
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE

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  (678): SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE http://tfl.nu/551z
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.

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  (609): if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened. http://tfl.nu/us8v
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.

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  (702): Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent. http://tfl.nu/joa6
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  (760): View more from California

  The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter

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  (760): The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter http://tfl.nu/uanv
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.

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  (614): Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty. http://tfl.nu/ysw1
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.

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  (215): You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you. http://tfl.nu/sg3o
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!

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  (210): Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together! http://tfl.nu/bu70
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  (631): View more from New York

  I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.

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  (631): I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth. http://tfl.nu/otea
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  (407): View more from Florida

  It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.

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  (407): It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome. http://tfl.nu/288f
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had

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  (304): 'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had http://tfl.nu/8hwk
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.

  (785): View more from Kansas

  I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.

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  (785): Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock. (785): I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice. http://tfl.nu/kw5d
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  (845): View more from New York

  Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins

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  (845): Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins http://tfl.nu/if6l
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  (310): View more from California

  I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable

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  (310): I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable http://tfl.nu/myt6
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.

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  (724): I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over. http://tfl.nu/3u0b
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.

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  (928): It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner. http://tfl.nu/2dny
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.

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  (251): How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern. http://tfl.nu/mfwl
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  (716): View more from New York

  She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever

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  (716): She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever http://tfl.nu/gnyf
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.

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  (541): Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule. http://tfl.nu/eokl
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour

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  (215): I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour http://tfl.nu/upbq
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.

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  (610): My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help. http://tfl.nu/86v6
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.

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  (+44): Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth. http://tfl.nu/fyz7
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.

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  (515): We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all. http://tfl.nu/if2m
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face

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  (319): I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face http://tfl.nu/7v6p
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...

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  (580): There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber... http://tfl.nu/bvkz
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.

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  (785): We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool. http://tfl.nu/h5uz
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  (512): View more from Texas

  You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back

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  (512): You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back http://tfl.nu/1cno
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.

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  (941): Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game. http://tfl.nu/smzi
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.

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  (775): At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive. http://tfl.nu/xg7u
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.

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  (906): I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck. http://tfl.nu/hho5
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"

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  (616): But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!" http://tfl.nu/95zk
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  (831): View more from California

  After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"

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  (831): After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!" http://tfl.nu/os8d
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado

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  (828): Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado http://tfl.nu/of4e
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.

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  (270): No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call. http://tfl.nu/mofx
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".

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  (785): Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets". http://tfl.nu/227d
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.

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  (304): He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect. http://tfl.nu/54k7
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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  (214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. http://tfl.nu/p67s
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
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