Texts From Last Night

andybear's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

  (216): View more from Ohio

  i hate you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister (216): i hate you http://tfl.nu/9cj0
  Replies (43) Good night (21128) Bad night (1201)
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis http://tfl.nu/zgff
  Replies (64) Good night (7549) Bad night (498) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?

  (804): View more from Virginia

  who says it cant be both...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever? (804): who says it cant be both... http://tfl.nu/wstu
  Replies (50) Good night (6454) Bad night (404)
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem http://tfl.nu/lhco
  Replies (25) Good night (4805) Bad night (1560) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back." (202): buy whatever she's on. a lot of it. http://tfl.nu/b6gr
  Replies (34) Good night (14714) Bad night (606)
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
  Replies (178) Good night (48648) Bad night (1814)
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.

  (256): View more from Alabama

  Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass. (1-256): That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years. (256): Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that. (1-256): Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham. http://tfl.nu/egwd
  Replies (54) Good night (4642) Bad night (469)
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart. http://tfl.nu/ct0g
  Replies (5) Good night (518) Bad night (3397) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens http://tfl.nu/oucj
  Replies (19) Good night (5369) Bad night (369) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking. http://tfl.nu/av4y
  Replies (34) Good night (8529) Bad night (582)
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive http://tfl.nu/067t
  Replies (31) Good night (5388) Bad night (930) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
  Replies (183) Good night (53938) Bad night (4175)
• Favorite

  (979): View more from Texas

  You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands

  (713): View more from Texas

  When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (979): You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands (713): When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things http://tfl.nu/2j2p
  Replies (28) Good night (5095) Bad night (605)
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion http://tfl.nu/8885
  Replies (12) Good night (1894) Bad night (3831) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  I accept this challenge.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you. (301): I accept this challenge. http://tfl.nu/mbqm
  Replies (60) Good night (17734) Bad night (1395)
• Favorite

  (719): View more from Colorado

  Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (719): Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you. http://tfl.nu/04eg
  Replies (25) Good night (6765) Bad night (1065) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck. http://tfl.nu/f2m7
  Replies (44) Good night (24325) Bad night (832) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (574): View more from Indiana

  no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (574): no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house" http://tfl.nu/wkle
  Replies (13) Good night (991) Bad night (8219) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking. http://tfl.nu/qzjs
  Replies (22) Good night (5075) Bad night (676) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card http://tfl.nu/bprl
  Replies (30) Good night (1994) Bad night (7470)
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  So you're taking me there this weekend?

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu (781): So you're taking me there this weekend? (508): oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food. http://tfl.nu/y6ju
  Replies (35) Good night (7040) Bad night (674)
• Favorite

  (302): View more from Delaware

  No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (302): No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter. http://tfl.nu/zb71
  Replies (17) Good night (3808) Bad night (928) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck http://tfl.nu/4xap
  Replies (35) Good night (6116) Bad night (1065) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period. http://tfl.nu/nrl7
  Replies (6) Good night (1825) Bad night (419) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.

  (519): View more from Ontario

  She did the bend and snap...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy. (519): She did the bend and snap... http://tfl.nu/78hn
  Replies (29) Good night (7277) Bad night (808)
• Favorite

  (618): View more from Illinois

  So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (618): So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in. http://tfl.nu/s63a
  Replies (39) Good night (3881) Bad night (5006) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days! (1-440): I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!! http://tfl.nu/v3m4
  Replies (80) Good night (962) Bad night (3741)
• Favorite

  (937): View more from Ohio

  I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...

  (1-937): View more from Ohio

  I see you've learned your lesson.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (937): I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status... (1-937): I see you've learned your lesson. http://tfl.nu/pjfr
  Replies (12) Good night (6158) Bad night (567)
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem http://tfl.nu/p4jh
  Replies (19) Good night (4503) Bad night (520) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world. http://tfl.nu/0s72
  Replies (45) Good night (5079) Bad night (650)
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear? http://tfl.nu/9u5k
  Replies (111) Good night (1153) Bad night (5216)
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  This is sufficient.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living (1-412): bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug (412): This is sufficient. http://tfl.nu/p15m
  Replies (72) Good night (11557) Bad night (566)
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results... http://tfl.nu/tn0b
  Replies (14) Good night (827) Bad night (7473) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (775): View more from Nevada

  I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (775): I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie. http://tfl.nu/cht2
  Replies (53) Good night (8776) Bad night (566) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (941): View more from Florida

  I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (941): I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message http://tfl.nu/pqsm
  Replies (9) Good night (5283) Bad night (766) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate. http://tfl.nu/63ss
  Replies (32) Good night (6443) Bad night (752) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn. http://tfl.nu/mlpv
  Replies (124) Good night (5601) Bad night (627) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless. http://tfl.nu/tw3i
  Replies (141) Good night (2069) Bad night (1822) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (904): View more from Florida

  You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (904): You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus. http://tfl.nu/zy6a
  Replies (37) Good night (4450) Bad night (609) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  What should our trivia night team be named?

  (925): View more from California

  Define Statutory

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): What should our trivia night team be named? (925): Define Statutory http://tfl.nu/hrvk
  Replies (27) Good night (4298) Bad night (390)
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket . http://tfl.nu/mvi5
  Replies (58) Good night (6444) Bad night (498) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (210): View more from Texas

  I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (210): I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy. http://tfl.nu/fwj0
  Replies (53) Good night (5969) Bad night (703) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point? (604): unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going. http://tfl.nu/jiid
  Replies (15) Good night (582) Bad night (1844)
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  what do you have against ST

  (1-540): View more from Virginia

  DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): what do you have against ST (1-540): DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS. http://tfl.nu/zpvl
  Replies (11) Good night (2888) Bad night (555) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response. http://tfl.nu/3ka8
  Replies (16) Good night (7208) Bad night (1099) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

  (786): View more from Florida

  How high are you right now..

  (305): View more from Florida

  I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind. (786): How high are you right now.. (305): I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT. http://tfl.nu/q5i7
  Replies (29) Good night (9723) Bad night (733)
• Favorite

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (267): He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever. http://tfl.nu/526w
  Replies (48) Good night (27266) Bad night (599) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad. http://tfl.nu/0kg4
  Replies (82) Good night (28717) Bad night (1860)
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
  Replies (292) Good night (69180) Bad night (1983) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
  Replies (246) Good night (64495) Bad night (2454) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ". http://tfl.nu/tf5y
  Replies (385) Good night (39829) Bad night (3547)
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow http://tfl.nu/ea94
  Replies (232) Good night (61989) Bad night (2128)
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
  Replies (499) Good night (82809) Bad night (7565)
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement http://tfl.nu/oky4
  Replies (12) Good night (4524) Bad night (1204) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (281): View more from Texas

  He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (281): He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back. http://tfl.nu/ko52
  Replies (13) Good night (5547) Bad night (648)
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly http://tfl.nu/a8cm
  Replies (19) Good night (1118) Bad night (5181)
• Favorite

  (559): View more from California

  Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (559): Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE http://tfl.nu/d6tf
  Replies (48) Good night (8000) Bad night (610) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are. http://tfl.nu/a3si
  Replies (10) Good night (1043) Bad night (3457)
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell? http://tfl.nu/9wrt
  Replies (37) Good night (6099) Bad night (1540)
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  But what if I pay for the gas?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain. (720): Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic. (303): But what if I pay for the gas? http://tfl.nu/j2h0
  Replies (53) Good night (824) Bad night (6631)
• Favorite

  (865): View more from Tennessee

  And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (865): And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly. http://tfl.nu/a3gz
  Replies (21) Good night (5521) Bad night (540) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

  (425): View more from Washington

  There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole (425): There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian http://tfl.nu/pttl
  Replies (97) Good night (1885) Bad night (22883)
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (336): Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her. http://tfl.nu/icjy
  Replies (53) Good night (2250) Bad night (14355) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (602): View more from Arizona

  I just woke up to me licking the dognuts

  (623): View more from Arizona

  You mean Doughnuts?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  ......No :(

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (602): I just woke up to me licking the dognuts (623): You mean Doughnuts? (602): ......No :( http://tfl.nu/8azm
  Replies (50) Good night (933) Bad night (16695)
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  i want you now

  (916): View more from California

  you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (212): i want you now (916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this http://tfl.nu/8egt
  Replies (143) Good night (5998) Bad night (67483)
• Favorite

  (571): View more from Virginia

  So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (571): So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder. http://tfl.nu/3ets
  Replies (268) Good night (3334) Bad night (66309)
• Favorite

  (925): View more from California

  I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.

  (713): View more from Texas

  Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (925): I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night. (713): Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry... http://tfl.nu/w6q1
  Replies (36) Good night (3168) Bad night (398)
• Favorite

  (320): View more from Minnesota

  her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her

  (1-320): View more from Minnesota

  that's how i am about ashleys and britneys

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (320): her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her (1-320): that's how i am about ashleys and britneys http://tfl.nu/ea81
  Replies (60) Good night (932) Bad night (1553) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around http://tfl.nu/e0gz
  Replies (14) Good night (1838) Bad night (5569) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work... http://tfl.nu/jjaa
  Replies (30) Good night (5797) Bad night (729) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (209): View more from California

  I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (209): I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life http://tfl.nu/mnvk
  Replies (11) Good night (4936) Bad night (416) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Heybabeimwearingurpanties

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): Heybabeimwearingurpanties http://tfl.nu/vfaz
  Replies (15) Good night (566) Bad night (1424) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car. http://tfl.nu/fzr7
  Replies (18) Good night (5310) Bad night (493)
• Favorite

  (678): View more from Georgia

  I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (678): I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI. http://tfl.nu/868g
  Replies (27) Good night (6979) Bad night (1121) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner

  (1-408): View more from California

  if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (408): hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner (1-408): if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends http://tfl.nu/qgda
  Replies (29) Good night (4280) Bad night (682) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low. http://tfl.nu/fwog
  Replies (60) Good night (1095) Bad night (2297) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (212): btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up http://tfl.nu/jzw8
  Replies (30) Good night (867) Bad night (4575) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (972): View more from Texas

  you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.

  (214): View more from Texas

  round 2?

  (972): View more from Texas

  EVER.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (972): you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again. (214): round 2? (972): EVER. http://tfl.nu/6p06
  Replies (10) Good night (827) Bad night (3327)
• Favorite

  (775): View more from Nevada

  I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (775): I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again. http://tfl.nu/wdl0
  Replies (10) Good night (1500) Bad night (299) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status.. http://tfl.nu/z1m2
  Replies (25) Good night (6469) Bad night (1050) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You might as well just give her the money now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it. (610): You might as well just give her the money now. http://tfl.nu/i76w
  Replies (72) Good night (3680) Bad night (1207)
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho. http://tfl.nu/a5a8
  Replies (43) Good night (4899) Bad night (578) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast... http://tfl.nu/eo63
  Replies (9) Good night (4864) Bad night (530) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo." http://tfl.nu/u5wa
  Replies (44) Good night (15979) Bad night (801)
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car http://tfl.nu/lq42
  Replies (40) Good night (4612) Bad night (979) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Previous statement retracted.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (864): If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay. (828): Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner (864): Previous statement retracted. http://tfl.nu/e7pe
  Replies (46) Good night (12575) Bad night (891)
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

  (917): View more from New York City

  I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God. (917): I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice. http://tfl.nu/jdh1
  Replies (121) Good night (2757) Bad night (14580)
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high. http://tfl.nu/lc86
  Replies (36) Good night (6261) Bad night (754) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
  Replies (52) Good night (68151) Bad night (1686) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted

  (1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

  how much adderall did you take today?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted (1-215): how much adderall did you take today? http://tfl.nu/wkg3
  Replies (13) Good night (5015) Bad night (838) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (956): View more from Texas

  is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?

  (210): View more from Texas

  no

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (956): is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge? (210): no http://tfl.nu/pkgs
  Replies (15) Good night (1610) Bad night (4645)
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works. http://tfl.nu/ca8d
  Replies (4) Good night (5439) Bad night (1149) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose. http://tfl.nu/bo74
  Replies (8) Good night (5408) Bad night (868) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong? http://tfl.nu/gz8r
  Replies (44) Good night (1298) Bad night (4514) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you

  (1-804): View more from Virginia

  couldn't find a condom?

  (804): View more from Virginia

  basically

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you (1-804): couldn't find a condom? (804): basically http://tfl.nu/rfmp
  Replies (16) Good night (5550) Bad night (1056)
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free. http://tfl.nu/2six
  Replies (42) Good night (9308) Bad night (1284) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners. http://tfl.nu/xe1g
  Replies (36) Good night (6535) Bad night (795) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (901): He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas. http://tfl.nu/264e
  Replies (20) Good night (4147) Bad night (1085) Order T-Shirt