i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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