I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
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Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.