Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.