I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.