you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize