I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i think my tv is drunk
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
I have to watch that.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl