Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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