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My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Porn is love you can see.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
This girl is more easily done than said...
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
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