he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Four minutes until I can fart!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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