this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Be still, my beating vagina.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He felt like a one man threesome
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Kelly, is this rhetorical, or sarcastic? You are very kind & quite beautiful, but we never really evolved into anything & your prevailing ambivalence spoke more than words ever could.
"We" really do not exist-if we ever did. Both of us may have been hoping for more than was possible.
I would enjoy sitting down to talk about the dissolution, but think it may end up being counter productive.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
thanks...oh and i got my period
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall