Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i'm home, then i'll come over
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.