Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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