Texts From Last Night

dhaggy21's Favorites Texts:

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  (540): View more from Virginia

  The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.

  (703): View more from Virginia

  So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...

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  (540): The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress. (703): So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then... http://tfl.nu/ildr
  Replies (9) Good night (3698) Bad night (881)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.

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  (732): I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN. http://tfl.nu/e3sn
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs

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  (908): Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs http://tfl.nu/h0qb
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even

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  (717): She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even http://tfl.nu/tali
  Replies (14) Good night (2968) Bad night (1127)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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  (512): Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her. http://tfl.nu/6ypm
  Replies (48) Good night (16509) Bad night (712)
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.

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  (519): Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid. http://tfl.nu/3gm4
  Replies (9) Good night (2319) Bad night (535) Order T-Shirt
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  (936): View more from Texas

  the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"

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  (936): the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?" http://tfl.nu/8dlf
  Replies (11) Good night (4457) Bad night (798) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina

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  (845): im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina http://tfl.nu/gfgs
  Replies (12) Good night (1035) Bad night (2607) Order T-Shirt
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.

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  (601): we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again. http://tfl.nu/0kiq
  Replies (9) Good night (3553) Bad night (661) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends

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  (847): u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends http://tfl.nu/ywa9
  Replies (14) Good night (4063) Bad night (1658) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.

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  (716): I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together. http://tfl.nu/l7kg
  Replies (34) Good night (2740) Bad night (9390) Order T-Shirt
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?

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  (636): hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls? http://tfl.nu/dqbw
  Replies (17) Good night (4751) Bad night (669) Order T-Shirt
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

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  (520): He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep. http://tfl.nu/tjlf
  Replies (15) Good night (6507) Bad night (672) Order T-Shirt
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.

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  (309): I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking. http://tfl.nu/amrn
  Replies (5) Good night (4518) Bad night (694) Order T-Shirt
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence

  (415): View more from California

  shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.

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  (231): I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence (415): shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy. http://tfl.nu/3ya6
  Replies (12) Good night (8006) Bad night (620)
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?

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  (417): Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"? http://tfl.nu/n06e
  Replies (15) Good night (6325) Bad night (1077) Order T-Shirt
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  (980): View more from North Carolina

  when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.

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  (980): when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space. http://tfl.nu/ayzt
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites

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  (785): Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites http://tfl.nu/fquq
  Replies (21) Good night (8419) Bad night (765) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!

  (678): View more from Georgia

  correction: escorted out

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  (404): YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?! (678): correction: escorted out http://tfl.nu/gkul
  Replies (23) Good night (4875) Bad night (666)
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  (894): View more from

  just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit

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  (894): just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit http://tfl.nu/2422
  Replies (16) Good night (6837) Bad night (553) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.

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  (845): Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was. http://tfl.nu/ww86
  Replies (12) Good night (3228) Bad night (960)
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  (951): View more from California

  At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?

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  (951): At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate? http://tfl.nu/y4sj
  Replies (18) Good night (4679) Bad night (861) Order T-Shirt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.

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  (913): The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up. http://tfl.nu/odda
  Replies (5) Good night (3957) Bad night (623)
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  (406): View more from Montana

  To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.

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  (406): To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved. http://tfl.nu/shxy
  Replies (10) Good night (6048) Bad night (711) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve

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  (732): Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve http://tfl.nu/de13
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now

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  (785): Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now http://tfl.nu/nbd3
  Replies (2) Good night (3469) Bad night (593) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.

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  (480): A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it. http://tfl.nu/wob5
  Replies (11) Good night (7980) Bad night (719) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.

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  (540): i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective. http://tfl.nu/c9ng
  Replies (3) Good night (3550) Bad night (589)
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.

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  (267): Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn. http://tfl.nu/zs8h
  Replies (2) Good night (4454) Bad night (651) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.

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  (330): Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge. http://tfl.nu/j5wy
  Replies (8) Good night (4118) Bad night (708) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.

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  (480): this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking. http://tfl.nu/0htm
  Replies (7) Good night (3990) Bad night (782) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester

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  (631): OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester http://tfl.nu/vz3v
  Replies (16) Good night (812) Bad night (3839) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.

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  (412): Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country. http://tfl.nu/04vq
  Replies (18) Good night (5465) Bad night (609) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.

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  (210): I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom. http://tfl.nu/a1h2
  Replies (8) Good night (600) Bad night (2936) Order T-Shirt
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  (469): View more from Texas

  I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"

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  (469): I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?" http://tfl.nu/ut0z
  Replies (8) Good night (977) Bad night (3449) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.

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  (814): Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now. http://tfl.nu/xg11
  Replies (15) Good night (6382) Bad night (1862) Order T-Shirt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?

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  (740): I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign? http://tfl.nu/ahav
  Replies (8) Good night (3477) Bad night (651) Order T-Shirt
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  (347): View more from New York

  I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN

  (347): View more from New York

  I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN

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  (347): I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN (347): I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN http://tfl.nu/s3su
  Replies (41) Good night (10622) Bad night (1851)
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  (949): View more from California

  mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.

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  (949): mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday. http://tfl.nu/tvnz
  Replies (38) Good night (360) Bad night (4011) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)

  (708): View more from Illinois

  WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE

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  (612): she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :) (708): WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE http://tfl.nu/vm9y
  Replies (9) Good night (5733) Bad night (749)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.

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  (919): It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk. http://tfl.nu/1top
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  (209): View more from California

  do you want me to make hamburgers?

  (541): View more from Oregon

  i'm vegan

  (209): View more from California

  i'll put lettuce on them

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  (209): do you want me to make hamburgers? (541): i'm vegan (209): i'll put lettuce on them http://tfl.nu/hb72
  Replies (37) Good night (7201) Bad night (757)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.

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  (614): I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone. http://tfl.nu/eom9
  Replies (4) Good night (368) Bad night (604) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?

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  (716): I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle? http://tfl.nu/vxb0
  Replies (15) Good night (871) Bad night (3238) Order T-Shirt
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  (940): View more from Texas

  now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place

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  (940): now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place http://tfl.nu/nwqq
  Replies (9) Good night (966) Bad night (4286) Order T-Shirt
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  (661): View more from California

  I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me

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  (661): I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me http://tfl.nu/2y9m
  Replies (25) Good night (10696) Bad night (728) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.

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  (315): I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine. http://tfl.nu/7gi6
  Replies (15) Good night (6234) Bad night (1115) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.

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  (707): frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it. http://tfl.nu/00co
  Replies (9) Good night (4069) Bad night (915) Order T-Shirt
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.

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  (479): I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke. http://tfl.nu/g10c
  Replies (3) Good night (2605) Bad night (869) Order T-Shirt
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....

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  (706): You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there.... http://tfl.nu/cfkl
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?

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  (218): Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'? http://tfl.nu/wgpy
  Replies (14) Good night (1337) Bad night (4445) Order T-Shirt
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  (909): View more from California

  Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?

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  (909): Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs? http://tfl.nu/r8li
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.

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  (859): I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you. http://tfl.nu/a48g
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait

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  (614): I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait http://tfl.nu/idzg
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...

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  (219): I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break... http://tfl.nu/y0v7
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...

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  (336): just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ... http://tfl.nu/0ptt
  Replies (18) Good night (771) Bad night (2442) Order T-Shirt
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  (951): View more from California

  We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.

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  (951): We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie. http://tfl.nu/3rqj
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.

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  (860): Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip. http://tfl.nu/41tx
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  (941): View more from Florida

  there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.

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  (941): there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship. http://tfl.nu/bd1c
  Replies (8) Good night (4654) Bad night (546)
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?

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  (778): Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight? http://tfl.nu/8s8e
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.

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  (214): Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree. http://tfl.nu/bwsc
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.

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  (314): He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary. http://tfl.nu/wb27
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.

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  (314): So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher. http://tfl.nu/3c6s
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  (940): View more from Texas

  I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it

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  (940): I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it http://tfl.nu/c2d6
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.

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  (404): All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time. http://tfl.nu/nzqv
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck

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  (610): getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck http://tfl.nu/662u
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  it was like getting a handjob from robocop

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  (412): it was like getting a handjob from robocop http://tfl.nu/4yuu
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.

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  (720): After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards. http://tfl.nu/zyl3
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  (212): View more from New York

  He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall

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  (212): He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall http://tfl.nu/usfu
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  (516): View more from New York

  I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.

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  (516): I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick. http://tfl.nu/gzhw
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message

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  (505): Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message http://tfl.nu/azaf
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.

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  (902): This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being. http://tfl.nu/gtcm
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.

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  (262): I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick. http://tfl.nu/emch
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match

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  (720): I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match http://tfl.nu/pm5g
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?

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  (704): Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year? http://tfl.nu/w9x5
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  (518): View more from New York

  I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward

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  (518): I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward http://tfl.nu/3430
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.

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  (360): I'll bring the barf blanket just in case. http://tfl.nu/d0c2
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Well now I have my semen on her headphones

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  (203): Well now I have my semen on her headphones http://tfl.nu/hho2
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  (408): View more from California

  He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this

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  (408): He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this http://tfl.nu/m93u
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.

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  (757): he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree. http://tfl.nu/5ajs
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  (518): View more from New York

  You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

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  (518): You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops http://tfl.nu/ldeo
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday

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  (706): My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday http://tfl.nu/gbim
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.

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  (262): it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day. http://tfl.nu/nryu
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.

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  (301): i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk. http://tfl.nu/vlxs
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

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  (308): I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad http://tfl.nu/3y6v
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  happy early fathers day!!!

  (829): View more from Dominican Rep

  im not a father

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  about that...

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  (843): happy early fathers day!!! (829): im not a father (843): about that... http://tfl.nu/tk4z
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  Two?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Two.

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  (404): Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs. (1-404): Two? (404): Two. http://tfl.nu/opzf
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

  (1-609): View more from New Jersey

  and?

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  RIP clitoris

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  (609): I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there... (1-609): and? (609): RIP clitoris http://tfl.nu/1ub6
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

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  (314): So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present. http://tfl.nu/xf6g
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.

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  (706): So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob. http://tfl.nu/v79f
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......

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  (781): So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one....... http://tfl.nu/w37i
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  (903): View more from Texas

  He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...

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  (903): He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered... http://tfl.nu/skgw
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"

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  (508): this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes" http://tfl.nu/1j0f
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me

  (1-425): View more from Washington

  Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.

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  (425): Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me (1-425): Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about. http://tfl.nu/mflc
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job

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  (703): He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job http://tfl.nu/934s
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.

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  (724): About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore. http://tfl.nu/twc0
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  like it was yesterday

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  (240): Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra? (732): like it was yesterday http://tfl.nu/1org
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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  (919): I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever http://tfl.nu/iy56
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  (956): View more from Texas

  Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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  (956): Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..." http://tfl.nu/geex
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

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  (226): This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon http://tfl.nu/4pbx
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.

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  (705): i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding. http://tfl.nu/t3vj
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other

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  (605): I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other http://tfl.nu/boea
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  You make your fellow Jews happy.

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  (412): I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more. (1-412): You make your fellow Jews happy. http://tfl.nu/gpio
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.

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  (937): He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face. http://tfl.nu/s86z
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  (310): View more from California

  Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.

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  (310): Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces. http://tfl.nu/d897
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.

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  (412): I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me. http://tfl.nu/826q
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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  (570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds? (1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911 http://tfl.nu/vzb8
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  (469): View more from Texas

  i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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  (469): i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine... http://tfl.nu/msgo
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs

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  (404): dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs http://tfl.nu/cgkd
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

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  (917): Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him http://tfl.nu/5c6r
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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  (410): so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero http://tfl.nu/4z5t
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  (914): View more from New York

  you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.

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  (914): you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen. http://tfl.nu/cp2f
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.

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  (720): Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls. http://tfl.nu/micp
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  (206): View more from Washington

  If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh

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  (206): If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh http://tfl.nu/j9ko
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.

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  (330): I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet. http://tfl.nu/cgw3
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends

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  (814): Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends http://tfl.nu/5yet
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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  (413): I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic. http://tfl.nu/sxvb
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.

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  (901): I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class. http://tfl.nu/yhk3
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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