i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
time to smoke my breakfast
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
why do cheetos always look like penises
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
We are two peas in an std pod
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal