He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
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you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
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I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?