Texts From Last Night · Cat_Chicago's Favorites

Cat_Chicago's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(714): View more from California

He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.

Fav 17 1741 7197
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.

Fav 8 4796 1183
share tweet

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.

Fav 6 5137 1169
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.

Fav 5 3837 1310
share tweet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(916): View more from California

Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.

Fav 5 3751 1525
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.

Fav 13 6527 1727
share tweet

(630): View more from Illinois

I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.

Fav 14 7444 1657
share tweet

(315): View more from New York

I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?

Fav 23 4572 1468
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.

Fav 2 3701 1037
share tweet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(620): View more from Kansas

I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.

Fav 12 6402 1279
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."

Fav 11 8656 1401
share tweet

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are

Fav 22 7577 1482
share tweet

(540): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.

Fav 8 4966 1330
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme

Fav 16 4075 1951
share tweet

(508): View more from Massachusetts

she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.

Fav 38 2014 7669
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

tequila makes me forget i have legs

Fav 25 6424 1631
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

Fav 16 8866 1747
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

Fav 25 11941 1620
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

Fav 38 11689 1726
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.

Fav 34 5443 6820
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'

Fav 20 6213 1893
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

his penis is PERFECT

(802): View more from Vermont

I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

(802): View more from Vermont

or knit it little hat

Fav 37 10360 1801
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Don't worry. I has chaperone.

Fav 24 6504 1539
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator

Fav 21 7698 2004
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.

Fav 38 11058 1461
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.

Fav 20 6762 1477
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."

Fav 12 5879 1561
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

Fav 32 17985 1843
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

The police scanner is talking about you again....

Fav 17 9084 1767
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?

Fav 13 3578 1370
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

Fav 22 15628 1736
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?

Fav 18 4980 1406
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.

Fav 13 3772 1539
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?

Fav 11 3653 1642
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I wish I had a frozen water bed.

(253): View more from Washington

best. idea. ever.

Fav 58 6185 2396
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Hey man your outta milk

(541): View more from Oregon

How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

Fav 17 10968 2031
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for

Fav 18 4985 1371
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills

Fav 25 7283 2071
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?

Fav 10 4971 1291
share tweet
(626): View more from California

she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

Fav 18 10504 1833
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.

Fav 8 4502 1339
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"

Fav 7 5435 1212
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

We need to talk about our relationship.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

Fav 20 9449 1867
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.

Fav 5 5025 1201
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

Fav 16 8165 1576
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

my cup is half full, half full of rum.

Fav 11 5665 1182
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

Fav 22 14903 1827
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.

Fav 16 5633 1328
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.

Fav 11 3714 1805
share tweet
(310): View more from California

i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic

Fav 5 3363 1232
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.

Fav 6 8588 2037
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me

Fav 9 7902 1678
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

Fav 76 17028 2583
share tweet
(819): View more from Quebec

I woke up to her vacumming the grass

Fav 18 5812 1479
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.

Fav 14 7501 2270
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch

(636): View more from Missouri

Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?

(573): View more from Missouri

IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation

Fav 29 7462 2731
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework

Fav 12 5328 1228
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

that was a mass text, wasnt it?

Fav 22 7508 1825
share tweet
(310): View more from California

can your parents tell?

(310): View more from California

i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

Fav 26 10063 1974
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?

(816): View more from Missouri

yes. helicopter.

Fav 19 5928 1333
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox

Fav 38 8747 1412
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't

Fav 20 3503 2850
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.

Fav 13 5987 1438
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.

Fav 11 4431 1308
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.

Fav 9 5404 1239
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 75092 3007
share tweet
(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

Fav 107 32822 1972
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

Fav 22 29933 1589
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

Fav 98 42072 2245
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

Fav 109 45410 2754
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

Fav 214 53077 3391
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

Fav 83 51206 2737
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us

Fav 29 6571 1602
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.

Fav 21 5836 2474
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?

(317): View more from Indiana

all hypothetical of course

Fav 14 5866 1595
share tweet
(858): View more from California

It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.

Fav 16 7357 1381
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying

Fav 8 3660 4435
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

He managed to light the Jello on fire...

Fav 16 6226 1322
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.

Fav 16 6438 1242
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.

Fav 20 10778 1425
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.

Fav 7 1354 3643
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.

Fav 20 6772 1610
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.

Fav 4 3189 2141
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

(1-954): View more from Florida

Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

Fav 72 11321 1843
share tweet
(562): View more from California

So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.

Fav 17 5848 1342
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.

Fav 9 3685 1789
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

Fav 28 4186 6033
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.

Fav 1 5424 1147
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.

Fav 15 3792 1367
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .

Fav 9 6850 1570
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

Fav 41 3245 10004
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

Fav 185 53785 3100
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.

Fav 21 6449 1943
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase

Fav 25 9703 1474
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way

Fav 17 1505 4043
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.

Fav 32 8933 1376
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.

Fav 9 6328 1502
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.

Fav 12 4853 1485
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76370 3425
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

Fav 280 55469 5254
share tweet
(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

Fav 304 104240 6820
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

Fav 445 115812 11194
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

Fav 127 131148 3911
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

Fav 509 178642 8178
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

Fav 1642 173837 44307
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.

Fav 9 3831 1260
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

Fav 225 8805 73984
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

Fav 290 63935 5486
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

Fav 204 120240 4352
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

making cat noises will not fix the situation.

Fav 6 3573 1358
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day

Fav 25 1965 5922
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.

Fav 17 7695 1499
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

Fav 13 7825 1517
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Hello wreck, this is your train calling.

Fav 13 6063 1690
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

Fav 41 13893 1842
share tweet

Cat_Chicago's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

Quick! While no one's looking

Click this little button for TFLN texts and updates

We also send dope emails