fuck your aforementioned shoe
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
