I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
