She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
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I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I spit up blood this morning
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS