Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm fucking your sister right now.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I CAN MOONWALK!
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
We should try that some time.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
R you on birth control?
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.